Please smack me on my head

Right. At the moment, I hate myself so much. During this long holiday, if I am not eating, I must be spending money at the mall. I have successfully doubled my size and almost finish all my cash in bank. I was about to use my credit card today in the mall. Thanks god the customer in front of me got panicked because all her cards were unable to use. She was all pink and blue, searching every dollar and coins in her Guess handbag. That's when I came to my sense. It could happen to me too if I keep spending like nobody's business!

I went home, feeling guilty to myself and Monkey. I fully understood we don't grow money on trees, we work very hard to earn it. Not because we are underpaid, in fact, our household monthly income is way better than average family in my kampung. However, we always think we don't have enough until the next pay day. We always play this blame game; who's spending more money every month.

To Monkey, it must be me...because I am the one who make shops as my second home. Whereas to me, it must be Monkey because he smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish. Everybody knows a pack of 20 sticks cigarette now cost almost ten bucks. Two or three packs a day is easy for him. A long neck beer can cost from 11 bucks to 15 bucks a bottle. 6 to 7 bottles a night is a must for him. So, it must be him, not me. At the end of our argument, I always win. Not because he agrees with me, it's because he's easy. For those who don't know me, please don't think that I am good at 'producing' crocodile tears. For the record, I am very bad at it. I can't fake a cry. I have tried before and guess what, Monkey knew it, he laughed at me. I won only because he loves me and he doesn't want to fight with me. Well, that's what he said to me.

Now that I have mentioned about me hating myself, why not I give more details about it. Today when I drove home from the mall, I was thinking was it really me who spent unwisely? I was thinking, thinking, thinking, and thinking...and finally I realized,ya,Monkey was right. It was me, not him!

You see, I have this silly need to visit shopping malls EVERY DAY. Unlucky for me, there is a shopping mall right behind my house. It's only a walking distance. I pass it every day from work. When I go to the mall, I like to see what people are selling. I like to know what is new in there. My nose likes the smell of the bakery and coffee shop. My ears like the loud sound coming from the CD shop. My eyes like to feast at the fresh flowers at the flosrist's. The worst thing is that my nose is addicted to the smell of the money that just come out from the ATM. It has got a smell that you can't find anywhere but from the ATM. If you don't believe me, go withdraw some money from the ATM and smell it. Then, try to find the smell from other place, see if you can find it. I am crazy, right?

The other thing is, I hate walking out from the shopping mall without a full loaded trolley or at least a shopping bag. Be it a small hand lotion or a stupid brooch, as long as they are in the shopping bag, it'll make my day. Now, that is the real problem with me.

After doing some counting, I realized I am the culprit of this always-no-money issue at home. I bought all those unnecessary things EVERY DAY. Example, a pack of vegetable that I know will end up at my garbage bag in three days time, a live-in Redken hair treatment that I never use, 4 brooches that don't match any of my work attire, and so on and so forth. I spent on things we don't need. I'm sure the money have better place in our saving account. Instead, I deposited them into the mall's cash register. Stupid me. Why didn't I realize this all these time? Gosh, I really feel bad about it, specially after all those hard times I gave to Monkey.

Enough hanky-panky for me. Today I decided I can't take control of my own money anymore. Thus, I withdrew all money from my bank account and put it into Monkey's bank. I have surrendered all my credit card to Monkey to be cut into pieces. No more plastic money in my purse. From now on, I will be collecting daily allowance from Monkey. I feel sorry to myself that I don't trust me anymore when it comes to money. It shouldn't be like this. I used to be very good at money management. I don't know what have happened to the girl who survived on 500 bucks monthly for six years in college. I want to find that girl in me again. Someone simple and very moderate on spending. I can't let this bad attitude changes me into someone we don't know.

Arghh!! I hate myself! Please, feel free to smack me on my head!