Depressed

Angry. Confused. Sad. Tired.

They got me physically paralysed since last Sunday. Couldn't go to work and face the world outside, couldn't have the courage to clean myself, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything at all. I'm feeling so aggrieved with my life. I mean, not only about what I'm doing for life but everything. Why oh why.

I have started to wonder whether god really exists. All my life I've been trying to persuade myself that god does exist, I tried very hard to believe this man-creator is real. But then, against all my faiths, I never felt or saw or heard anything significant to myself that proves he really exists. Every pray has been turned down, every wish has been granted the other way around, everything I ever wanted to believe never been proven real. What have I done wrong to deserve these?

I've only learnt that god is good through other's experience. They flaunt on how good god is, blessing them with so many things, granted every wish, been there for them all the time...but why only them? Why not me?

Not only I believed hard, prayed hard, I worked super hard too. How frustrating it is to learn that all I got is the opposite of what I believed. Just for an instance, since I was 3 or 4, I've started to pray may god fix our family so that we can live like all normal family. Instead, after 24 years of praying and believing, we're now given a stepmother, 12 stepbrothers and sisters, and apparently a half brother/sister is on the way. For goodness sake, I'm wounded. I'm miserably wounded.

I know I will be bashed by family and friends who think what I'm blabbering sheer nonsense. Ya, go right ahead. Bash me, criticize me, call me names. At the end of the day, it's me who is living my life. I'm the only one who knows how it feels being me. Except if there really is god, then he should know it too. But again, I'm not sure about that anymore.

Or is it simply because I've been following and praying to the wrong god? Maybe I don't have to take it anymore, maybe I'll just stop praying to the one I'm praying to now and start finding ones that care.